of Male Victimization and Intimate-Partner Violence
by Susan Soda, CDVP, Community Education Program Manager
Taylor Frankie Paul has recently made headlines following the video released from a 2023 incident of her yelling and throwing metal chairs at her now ex-boyfriend, Dakota Mortensen, while her child was present. While the video itself was not released in 2023, it was made public knowledge, along with Paul’s arrest for aggravated assault, in her television show, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives.
Interestingly enough, there was minimal backlash for the incident until the video surfaced this year, which has now resulted in Paul’s season of The Bachelorette to be pulled from airing. While Paul’s situation is not the first of its kind, it does spark conversation about men’s victimization when it comes to intimate-partner violence, children’s exposure to violence,
and society’s response to violence perpetuated by public figures.
When instances of physical intimate-partner violence surface in the media, you may expect the aggressor to be a male. According to the FBI’s Domestic Relationships and Violent Crimes 2020-2024 Report, 77.1% of the offenders in a domestic situation were males. In the same report, it was found that about 25% of victims of violent offenses with domestic relationships were male.
Physical abuse from a woman may be less likely, but it’s not impossible. Those who may have tuned into MTV back in 2010 may remember Amber Portwood from the popular television show, Teen Mom. Amber was frequently filmed yelling, hitting, and even choking her partner, Gary. These cases debunk a popular myth – men can, and are, victimized from intimate-partner violence
While the majority of intimate-partner abuse does target women, we have to keep in mind two major details: intimate-partner violence is vastly underreported, and men face specific stigmas in society that prevent them from reporting abuse. So, while women may be victimized at a higher rate than men, we can safely assume that the statistic of men being victimized is higher than 25%.
Let’s break down why a man may choose not to report abuse. A well-known misconception is that if a man is physically larger than his partner, he should be able to stop the abuse. If not, he is seen as “weak”. Both examples shared above, Paul and Portwood, dispel this misconception, as both men in the situation were physically larger than their partners. Men experiencing physical abuse may choose not to engage in the violence in fear that they will hurt their partner, or fear that they will be charged with physically assaulting their partner when they are not the aggressor.
When we look at emotional abuse, this form of abuse is often normalized. If someone physically assaulted you, you would likely contact law enforcement. However, if someone belittled, degraded, or manipulated you, you likely would not report that. That does not take away from the fact that those actions are abusive in nature. Many people, both men and women, do not always see emotional abuse as a form of intimate-partner violence. Because of the minimization of emotional abuse, it may prevent individuals from reporting.
Whether it be physical, emotional, sexual, financial, or any other form of abuse, there is a stigma placed on men that they should be “strong” and “masculine” enough to prevent abuse from happening to them. Or even that they should like or tolerate the abuse. This is untrue, and what is called “victim-blaming”. Instead of placing the blame on the person causing harm, the blame and responsibility to prevent abuse is placed on the victim/survivor. If we want to live in a world where intimate-partner violence is obsolete, we need to acknowledge that anyone can be a victim of abuse and all people deserve a right to healthy, safe relationships.
Paul’s story shines light on another serious topic, children’s exposure to violence. In the 2023 video of Paul, her daughter can be seen, heard, and potentially physically harmed from the incident. Children witnessing intimate-partner violence is unfortunately not a rarity. It happens more often than we realize and the impacts can be serious and long-term if not properly addressed.
Children are not given enough credit for how observant and intelligent they truly are. Though they may not be able to fully comprehend everything that is happening, they can understand the emotions behind the words and actions around them. A child does not need to be present in the same room to be impacted by intimate-partner violence. Hearing or witnessing intimate-partner violence can be just as detrimental when in another room.
When children, especially at a young age, grow up witnessing abusive behaviors, those behaviors become normalized. Think about your own family routines growing up. For some, you may have grown up eating dinner together every night. For others, you may have come home from school and gone to your room to try and tune out arguing and yelling every night. Whatever routine you had, that was your family’s version of “normal”. When children are consistently exposed to violence, those behaviors become learned and regular for them. It’s not uncommon for a child to witness violence at home and then begin displaying violent behaviors with their peers. Some of us were taught to resolve our differences kindly, while others were shown that yelling or pushing gets you what you want. If these behaviors are not addressed, a child may continue to display these behaviors into adulthood. When children are involved in intimate-partner violence cases, it’s crucial they receive help and support. With trauma-informed care, children exposed to violence can go on to lead happy, healthy lives and form positive relationships with others.
One last piece of Paul’s story that’s worth mentioning is the public’s response to intimate-partner violence. It was surprising to learn that her aggravated assault charge was mentioned during the first season of the reality television show, yet action is only being taken now, after four seasons of the show has aired. Though it shouldn’t be that surprising. Looking back at the previous example of Portwood from Teen Mom, who went on to be featured in 6 more seasons of the show after her initial arrest for domestic violence. We don’t only see this in reality television, but with movie stars, athletes, and other public figures. It raises the question – why are individuals who choose abuse continued to be given a platform?
Those with fame and platforms are often held to different standards and many times their abusive incidents will be dismissed or swept under the rug for the sake of money and entertainment. This sends the harmful message that those who possess fame and social status are above accountability for their actions. While each situation is different and should absolutely be thoroughly investigated first, the minimization and lack of accountability for abusive behaviors is what leads to the normalization of violent culture.
The good news is that those who choose harm are capable of change. Through accountability from themselves and those around them, and unlearning harmful behaviors, an individual can go on to form positive, healthy relationships.
While all of the details of Paul’s case have not yet been released, it has certainly sparked conversation and awareness around intimate-partner violence. Don’t let the conversation end here. Intimate-partner violence doesn’t stop if we choose to ignore it. Continue to have these discussions with friends and family, check your own biases, and remember that help is always available.
